Happy Halloween!! Any holiday the celebrates things I love – like horror and candy – is a great holiday in my book. It struck me while I was singing The Beatles “Sexy Sadie” in the shower today that I never sing in the shower, because I assume that’s when people get murdered. Let me back up.
Right now I’m reading the book Helter Skelter: The True Story of the Manson Murders by Vincent Bugliosi, with Curt Gentry. I have never really known much about the Manson murders – they were waaaaayyy before my time. But in this book, I found out (among many other things) that A) Charles Mason was obsessed with The Beatles White Album and B) that one of the first informants on Manson was a girl named Sadie. Sexy Sadie is from the White Album, and the song is referred to in the book. I have a healthy admiration for The Beatles, so I know the song and I know the White Album well. It’s not my fave, but it’s a good album.
Anyway, this all got me thinking about how pop culture has informed my thinking. So, since it is Halloween, I thought I’d go into the paranoid advice horror movies, scary stories, murder mysteries, and more have given me – and probably you – over the years.
*Warning that some of these links and clips have explicit language.
1. Don’t sing in the shower. Stay alert in the shower. In fact, just don’t take showers. Or baths. Don’t bathe – only use the bathroom as an escape route from your recently-turned zombie husband. Do not, under any circumstances, use the bathroom for bathing. You will die.
2. Stay away from clowns. They have nothing but pure hate for all things living, and they are really evil aliens come to eat you anyway. Also, don’t read the book It by Stephen King in the middle of the night. It makes sleeping super hard.
3. Don’t tempt fate. I know it seems like saying Bloody Mary a bunch of times in front of a mirror would be fun at a sleepover with your friends or when you’re bored at gym class with your friends or in the school bathroom… with your friends. But, as some movies have taught us, tempting fate and testing urban legends is a bad idea, mmkay?
4. Don’t play with twin girls. They’re creepy. At least they are when they talk at the same time. I mean my cousin’s kids are twins and they are super cute. But they also don’t echo each other or say the same things at the same time.
5. Speaking of playing, don’t play hide and seek. In fact, don’t play any games at all ever. You never know who you’re playing with…
6. If you’re in a place that seems dangerous, get the hell out of there. Don’t go up the stairs, lock yourself in a room, record yourself sleeping, or generally do anything stupid. Take a hint from The Amityville Horror and just leave – but do it earlier than they did.
7. Never, ever look for missing friends. How many times have you heard people say “Guys, where are you guys? This isn’t funny? Guuuuuuuyyyyysssss?????” and then get stabbed right in the face?
8. Don’t believe ghosts. In fact, don’t talk to them. Don’t hang out with them. Just stay away from them. Ghosts are bad company and they mean you nothing but trouble at the very best. At the worst they want to possess you and take over your life – or kill you.
9. You can and might be murdered or eaten by the ones you love. So, if they get sick, get the hell away from them. Zombie plague anyone?
I love horror movies – especially B-Movies, which is probably why much of this advice is completely ridiculous. But hey, it’s pretty fun. What have you learned from horror movies/books?